When Orgasms Aren’t Easy
Intimate Discussions: Building Trust and Understanding
We have all had good and bad conversations on a variety of topics, but sex can be the trickiest, and orgasms the most sensitive and vulnerable topic of all. Let’s dig in, shall we? (read the first post in this series Breaking the Silence: Let’s Talk Female Orgasms).
My Journey
As someone who doesn't orgasm easily, a variety of approaches have worked for me. In discussions with potential casual partners, this comes up in early conversations. Since the nature of our relationship will be primarily sexual, it is important to provide an understanding of what is important to me in a sexual relationship or encounter and allow them to share the same. While I would also share this information with someone I'm dating or intend to explore a committed relationship with, I focus on the alignment of values, goals, and beliefs first. The topic of orgasm or sex has come up in early conversations with people I've dated in the past, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, as an extremely sexual person, I have allowed that to cloud my judgement and steer the conversation there rather than continuing the focus on getting to know one another. So, it is far more important to determine if we align in the non-physical realm first because, in my experience, if they are emotionally intelligent/mature, self-aware, and committed to growth, we will be able to navigate the orgasm or other emotionally charged conversations as they arise.
Your Role in Positive Conversations
If you are reading this post you are most likely interested in how to have better conversations about orgasms with your partner. Whatever side of this you are on - kudos to you for wanting to grow in this area and putting in the effort to deepen your intimate connections. Let's dig into some ways you can react positively and supportively when a partner shares their difficulty in reaching orgasm, challenging the notion of orgasm as a conquest, and promoting understanding, empathy, and mutual pleasure:
1. Open Communication: A Cornerstone
Encourage Open, Honest Conversations: Foster an environment where open communication about sexual experiences is welcome. Encourage partners to express their desires, concerns, and challenges without fear of judgment.
Example: Create a safe space for open communication. Begin by expressing your love and commitment to your partner. Let them know that you value their honesty and that discussing challenges is part of fostering a healthy sexual connection. When you are not in a committed relationship, you can foster open communication by being committed and open to listening without judgement.
Conversation Starter: "I value our connection, and I believe open communication can bring us even closer. Can we talk about something that's been on my mind?" This works for both partners - whether you are the one experiencing the challenge of having an orgasm or on the other side, trying to create a supportive, safe space for your partner to open up.
2. Educating Each Other: A Shared Exploration
Learn Together: Take the opportunity to learn more about each other's bodies and preferences. Explore educational resources together, attend workshops, or read literature that focuses on enhancing mutual pleasure.
Example: Turn the exploration into a shared journey of learning. Discover what brings pleasure to both of you and use it as an opportunity to strengthen your connection.
Highlighting Connection: "I came across some interesting articles/books/workshops on improving intimacy. How about we explore them together? Let's make this a collaborative effort. Your thoughts and insights are important. What aspects of our connection do you want to learn together? Remember, this is about us, and I'm here to support and learn alongside you. How can we make this experience enriching for both of us?"
3. Emphasize Mutual Exploration
Shift Focus to Exploration: Instead of viewing orgasm as the end goal, shift the focus to mutual exploration. Encourage partners to explore each other's bodies, desires, and fantasies, fostering a sense of adventure and discovery.
You could try: "How do you feel about embracing exploration together? I believe there's so much we can discover about each other. What do you think about exploring and learning together with the only objective of improving our physical connection and deepening our emotional bond?"
4. Challenge Performance Expectations:
Challenge the Performance Mindset: Discuss and challenge the societal expectation that sex must follow a performance-based model. Reinforce that the quality of the connection and the pleasure experienced matter more than achieving specific performance goals.
Example: "I'd like to let go of the idea that sex is a performance. Our connection is about shared pleasure and intimacy, not meeting external expectations. What do you think? What are some ways you think this may show up when we are intimate?"
5. Prioritizing Emotional Connection:
Prioritize Emotional Intimacy: Reinforce the idea that emotional connection is just as vital as physical intimacy. Highlight the importance of feeling emotionally connected and secure as a foundation for a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Conversation ideas: "I believe that our emotional connection is essential for fulfillment in our relationship and strength of our intimate bond. Let's talk about how we can prioritize and nurture our emotional intimacy to create a more fulfilling and secure foundation for our sexual relationship?"
6. Expressing Empathy: A Vital Component
Show Empathy and Understanding: When a partner shares difficulties, respond with empathy and understanding. Express that you appreciate their honesty and that their well-being and comfort are the top priorities. It can be difficult in these moments to not personalize what they have shared (there is something wrong with me, what did I do wrong, how can I do better, maybe I'll be the one to make them have an orgasm), but allowing this to dominate the conversation does not allow for them to continue to be vulnerable. The safe space that you have created for them is now about you.
A Supportive Conversation: Let them know that their feelings and experiences are valid, and you appreciate their honesty. "I want you to know that I'm here for you. I understand it can be a complex and personal experience, and I want you to feel comfortable discussing it. Your pleasure and satisfaction are important to me, and I'm more interested in understanding how you feel rather than any specific outcome. Let's navigate this together, and if there's anything you'd like to share or explore, know that I'm here to support you without judgment. Our connection goes beyond any specific aspect of our intimacy, and I value you and our relationship immensely." This statement communicates empathy, reassurance, and a willingness to approach the topic collaboratively and supportively.
7. Dismantling Conquest Narratives
Challenge Conquest Narratives: Discuss and challenge the narrative that a partner's worth is tied to their ability to "make" their partner orgasm or cum. Emphasize that sexual experiences are about shared pleasure and connection, not conquests or challenges.
Example: "I don't know about you, but all I ever heard from friends, on TV and in movies growing up was that orgasm is the ultimate destination and that we should try to "make" our partners orgasm. I would love to let go of the idea that orgasms are conquests or they signify success in some way. Our connection is about shared pleasure, mutual understanding, and the journey we take together. What are some ways you think we could do this?"
8. Encouraging Patience in the Journey
Cultivating Patience: Encourage partners to be patient with each other and recognize that sexual exploration is a journey. Emphasize that it's okay to take time to understand each other's bodies and preferences. It is also important to remember that even if we have taken the time to have the conversations, ingrained behaviour and beliefs (I should be able to cum, or I should be able to make them cum) take time and effort to change. Bring it up patiently and kindly if you need to. Do not deny yourself the conversation, but be patient and sympathetic when repeating it. Equally important is acknowledging that some people will not have an orgasm during penetrative sex, so patience only goes so far, so understanding and accepting in a loving way may be required.
Example: "It is important you know how important your experience is to me. Let’s focus on cultivating patience in our exploration. It's a journey, and we have the time and space to understand and enjoy each other without rushing. It is also important you know that I accept you for who you are right now. We are in this together and I will never pressure you to achieve anything."
9. Seeking Professional Guidance Together:
Consider Professional Support: If this is an ongoing challenge and you and your partner would be open to it, you may consider seeking professional guidance together. Frame it as a proactive step toward enhancing your sexual connection rather than addressing a problem.
Example: "Exploring professional guidance together could be an opportunity to deepen our connection and understanding. It's a proactive step toward creating a more satisfying sexual experience for both of us. If you're interested, let's talk about the different types of guidance we could seek out."
10. Celebrating Shared Pleasure:
Celebrate the Journey: Reinforce the idea that the experience is what should be celebrated. Focus on the pleasure shared during the exploration and shared experiences rather than fixating on specific outcomes. If there are expectations and goals other than pleasure, anxiety will be a common feeling. Encouraging an environment where pleasure is the ultimate outcome allows for authentic and honest expression.
Example: "Let's talk about how we can celebrate this new space where we embrace the present and the shared pleasure and moments together. This discussion has made me feel a deeper physical and emotional connection with you."
Conclusion
I hope these suggestions help you navigate this very nuanced conversation. Remember, sex and intimacy is never about any other destination than increased emotional and physical connection. Continue to support your partner and encourage one another to embrace the journey to a deeper connection, rather than a climax.
Let’s Continue the Conversation
I feel like this only scratches the surface of the discussion, as orgasms are as complex as their links to emotional and physical connections in a relationship. However, it is a start or a continuation of the ongoing discussion you will have with your partner about pleasure in all of its forms and how you can support each other while showing up as your most authentic self.
What do you think? I'd love to continue the conversation, so please share your experiences, questions and comments below.
